| ... hi |
[26 Aug 2008|11:39am] |
I don't really know what happened. We've been gone for about 9 months now, haven't we?
I can't explain. Not yet anyway. I'm really confused. I feel like I just woke up from a coma. I think there are only three of us now. I don't know where the others are.
Anyway, we're alive. Some of us, anyway.
-JT
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5 hearts | love me
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| Top 10 things I ask myself |
[13 Dec 2007|11:03am] |
Meh. I don't even feel like commenting on the recent drama. I just don't want to get into it anymore. Instead I am going to talk about the weirdness that is Caden. He's been fronting more lately and we are all starting to get to know him. He's an ok kid, but there are just some odd things about him.
Things I ask myself after Caden has spent a night up front by himself:
1. Why do I have glitter on me?
2. Why is my Home Page now set to Caramel Dansen?
3. Where is all my Gaia gold?
4. Why is their a folder on my desktop called "Waffles" and why is it filled with pictures of waffles?
5. Why are there 20 new people on my AIM list that I don't know?
6. Why am I banned from 4chan?
7. Why is there a piece of paper on the living room floor that says "Sup /b/"?
8. Where is all the Doctor Pepper?
9. Why are several people previously on my AIM list no longer on my AIM list?
10. Why am I so exhausted?
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5 hearts | love me
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| O-o-oa-oa... |
[06 Dec 2007|03:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hyper |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Caramel Dansen (Speedycake Remix) |
] |
Hi!!!
JT says I should go to bed but I'm not tired at all and I'm really really really really bored!
My name is Caden. I'm 15 and I'm a boy. Sort of a girly boy I guess, but that doesn't mean I'm not a boy. I just like girly things. I've been here a while, but I haven't started fronting until a little while ago.
Stuffs I likes:
~ Music - Jpop, The Killers, Panic! at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, Tokio Hotel
~ Dancing
~ Anime - Ouran High School!!!! <3 <3 <3
~ Being hyper
~ Kitties ^_^
~ Boys, girls, and people who aren't boys or girls.
~ Gaiaonline
~ Bright colors
~ Sparkly things
~ Cake!!!!!!!!!11!111!eleventyone
Stuffs I don't likes:
~ Mean people
~ Shoes
~ Sleeping
~ Meat - I don't wanna eat the poor animals T_T
~ Depressing or sad music
~ People being sad
ummmmmmmmmmmmm I can't think of anything else now. I dunno what else to say about me. Everybody says I'm annoying and like a whole bunch of people are like "OMG don't let Caden talk to me he's annoying" and thats like totally mean. I'm not annoying! I'm fun. People just need to learn how to have more fun.
I am so happy we went to the doctor. I was so tired of feeling icky and tired all the time. The new medicine tastes yucky and makes my nose hurt and I sneeze a lot but now I can breathe again and it feels good. It makes me want to dance. Or maybe it's Caramel Dansen that is making me want to dance. Wheeeeeee
You should listen to this. It will drive you crazy http://www.lostcontemplations.com/Auax/Caramel/Caramel.html
*dansu*
O-o-oa-oa...
O-o-oa-oa...
O-o-oa-oa...
People should leave comments because I like comments. ^_^
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9 hearts | love me
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| OMG RANT |
[03 Dec 2007|04:09pm] |
OMG My sister is so fucking stupid sometimes!!!!!
To recap:
My sister is 15.
She got a cellphone 6 months ago.
She was told how many minutes she had.
She was told that if she went over she would lose her phone privileges.
Last month she ran up a $300 overage!
She continued talking after my mom warned her that she was on the phone too much.
Yesterday my stepdad took away her phone.
Today she took my mom's phone while my mom was sleeping and took it to school.
Just a few minutes ago I went upstairs to do some laundry and I heard voices in her room, so I opened her door and said "Give me mom's phone." so she wouldn't have a chance to delete call logs or anything.
I hear the phone snap closed and then she hands it to me, so I knew she was on it. I check the phone log and sure enough, she was on the phone with her friend.
After running up a $300 overage, having her phone taken away, and being yelled at by the parents she got on the freaking phone again!!!
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Headdesk*
*Facepalm*
*Dies*
For the wondering, this is a collective rant from just about everyone because we are all sitting here going "WTF???"
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6 hearts | love me
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| Nightmares |
[24 Nov 2007|04:45pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Rette Mich - Tokio Hotel |
] |
I hate weekends because there are no LJSecrets and I miss them.
We survived Thanksgiving and Black Friday. We even did the 3:00am standing in line for Wal-Mart thing. Step-dad is getting us a digital camera for Christmas that he got there and I am totally excited about it. We got a few presents for people. James got a new 20 inch computer monitor that was a great price. It was a good trip, but left me exhausted.
We slept for 12 hours solid last night, and I still feel sort of tired today.
I've been having a lot of vivid dreams and nightmares lately. A lot of them are about roleplays that I have been in lately, but some of them are just random weird things.
It scares me how vivid and real these dreams are. Of course in the dream I am always myself. I have the body that I am supposed to have. I am the gender that I am supposed to be. Everyone calls me my real name etc. Usually I love dreaming just for those reasons, but lately the dreams have been really bad.
I had a dream a few nights ago where I was shot in the head execution style. The person who shot me was someone I know, but I can't remember who. I remember the pain of it very very vividly. In fact, as I am writing about it I can feel the spot on my head where the bullet entered and it stings. That is really really weird. I'm starting to freak myself out.
So in the dream I don't actually die right away. I remember paramedics or someone taking me away to the hospital. I remember being in the hospital and having everyone around me, and doctors talking as if I'm not there. At first I thought that in the dream I had woken up in the hospital, but the more I think about it the more it becomes clear that I was not actually "awake". I was aware, but apparently unconscious. So I get the impression that eventually I died from the wound. I sort of remember people around me crying.
Why do I feel like this is more than a dream?
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1 heart | love me
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| Bleh |
[19 Nov 2007|03:07pm] |
I hate trying to sort out what is actually going on with us. It's so difficult to tell whether or not our patterns of depression are based on who is fronting, or if who is fronting is based on our patterns of depression. What I know for sure is that Carrie can not front at all when we are experiencing a period of depression, and I know that when I am fronting our behavior appears more manic. Now the question is, do we appear manic because I am simply manic in my normal behavior or am I fronting more because we are manic?
Yesterday James and I had an interesting talk about our pattens of behavior and those sort of things. I've always known that we cycle in and out of depression, but it has never even occured to be before that we could be experiencing hypo-mania or mania. I needed an outsiders perspective, so I asked James if he noticed a pattern. He said there was definitely a noticeable pattern. I asked him how long this has been going on, and he said two years. We have been with him for 4 years and living with him for 2. I wonder if maybe it was happening even before that and he says two years because that's how long he has been close enough to notice. Most of us are so low-energy and reclusive that I doubt anyone would even notice our hypo-mania. It's noticeable to me and apparently to James too. So I asked him about the pattern he has noticed and he said the mania/hypo-mania seems to happen around September, January, and somewhere in the spring/early-summer. I think that's probably pretty accurate, but I sort of feel like maybe the cycle is speeding up.
The thing about it is that these periods of whatever the hell it is feel good. They feel really good. I don't want them to stop. It only sucks when they do stop and then I feel a million times worse than before. When we are moving between the up and the down it's absolutely terrifying and things are really messed up, but I know how to handle the down and the up feels so good.
I'm supposed to be the logical down to earth one around here; the one who thinks things through sensibly and makes wise decisions, but I'm not doing that this time. I'm trying to, but I'm not succeeding. I looked up treatment for bipolar and bipolar II, just to get an idea of what we would be facing if we did get a diagnosis. The thing is, I'm not willing to subject us to ANY of the possible medical treatments for bipolar. I just wont do it. The side effects are horrific and I just don't see them outweighing the benefits. The hypo-mania (if that's what it really is) is not that severe that I feel medication is necessary right now.
So what do I do? Do I lie to the doctor to avoid diagnosis? Do I disclose the truth but refuse medication? I don't know.
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love me
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[16 Nov 2007|05:07pm] |
Not ok.
Really really really not ok.
Don't know what to do.
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love me
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| A handfull of crapp Haiku |
[15 Nov 2007|03:40am] |
It's 3:40am and I am writing Haiku.
Why?
I have no idea.
I'm not even sure which of us has written these. I (JT) have been doing all the counting and organizing of words, but the words and thoughts are not all coming from me. So here, have some crappy Haiku that fairly accurately represents our mindscape at the moment.
Who has written this?
A blended conscious gathers
An unknown author.
Time crawls and races past
I am not sure who I am
and everything fades.
Hatred and passion
simultaneously felt
I am bewildered.
There is always doubt
The ever present question
Am I good enough?
I will never be
Good enough to deserve what
Others are born with.
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1 heart | love me
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| Guilt Guilt Guilt |
[13 Nov 2007|03:26pm] |
So... I'm doing something I really shouldn't do.
I'm letting people believe that I am someone I am not. I have a few roleplaying partners who do not know that I am multiple and do not know that I am not biologically male. One of them is a teenager and I just don't think she is mature enough to understand. I think she would freak out. I don't want to confuse her by explaining, and since we are just RP partners and not really friends, I don't see a real need. But sometimes I feel really guilty.
We were talking out of character a little while ago and out of the blue she said, "I wonder what you look like. I imagine you are this super skinny somewhat pale guy with dark hair who always looks tired and has square-rimmed glasses." I didn't know how to answer. The funny thing is, that does describe me perfectly. It just doesn't describe the body that I am in at all. It does really amuse me that the way I should look comes through so well when I'm talking to someone who doesn't know, but I feel sort of bad for not telling her the truth. But what was I going to say? "No, actually I'm in a body that is female, short, overweight, and wears contacts?" :sigh: I feel so guilty. I just want to be me though. Sometimes I just want to be me and not explain all this bullshit.
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love me
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| Rescue Me |
[07 Nov 2007|03:39pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Rescue Me - Tokio Hotel |
] |
Today is one of those days where I absolutely hate being multiple. It's just so unfair. Even with as much control as I have had lately, I still don't have enough control to truly live my life. I hate this body. I hate that it doesn't reflect who I am in any way, shape, or form. I hate that I can never have the kind of relationship I want. I want someone to love me for me. Just me. Not us... Just me.
I would give anything to be able to have an actual relationship with someone. I can try to content myself with role playing online, but it will never even come close to being satisfying. I just want my own life. I want friends I can really hang out with. I want to go out and socialize. I want to go to a club. I want to dance. I want to hang out and watch movies together. I want to enjoy my youth. I want a male body that matches up with who my mind says I am. I want to wear male clothes. I want to be accepted for who I am. I don't want to be a part of a system. I don't want to be a part of a group. I don't want to share my time with everyone else. I don't want to make compromises. I just want what the rest of the world has.
I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm the positive one. I'm the one that holds things together while the world is shattering around us. I'm the hero. I don't want to be the hero anymore. I want someone to rescue me.
This used to be our secret
Now I'm hiding here alone
Can't help but read our names on the wall
And wash them off the stone
I trusted you in every way
But not enough to make you stay
Turn around
I've lost my ground
Come and rescue me
I am burning can't you see?
Come and rescue me
Only you can set me free
Come and rescue me
Rescue me
Rescue me
We lied when we were dreaming
Your crying was just fake
I wish you could deny it
Here and today
My S.O.S on radio
The only chance to let you know
What I feel
Can you hear?
Come and rescue me
I am burning can't you see?
Come and rescue me
Only you can set me free
Come and rescue
Rescue me
You and me
You and me
You and me
The walls are coming closer
Our senses fade away
I'm haunted by your shadow
I reached to feel your faith
Your not here
Are you here?
Come and rescue me
Rescue me
Come and rescue me
I'm burning can't you see?
Come and rescue me
Only you can set me free
Come and rescue me
Rescue me...
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1 heart | love me
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| The World Is Weird |
[07 Nov 2007|11:56am] |
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music |
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The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance |
] |
Last night I was surfing 4chan because that's what I do in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. In my wandering I came across a thread that said something like "Hey guys some kid in Finland just decided to become an hero and shoot up his school." The strange thing was, it had literally just happened. In fact, it was still going on. Here I am in the western united states hearing about something that is happening Finland as it is happening. How strange is that? Even stranger is that I'm more fascinated by how odd it was to be hearing about all this as it happened than I am by the fact that yet another school shooting has happened. They have become normal for me. When the colombine shootings happened I was devastated for weeks. Now my reaction is just "That's sad" and I move on.
Within a few minutes the 4channers had found the kids youtube profile, his profile on a Finnish equivalent of myspace, and a whole bunch of pictures of him. Knowing that his youtube was going to get yanked down as soon as they became aware of it, everyone quickly downloaded the videos to save them for posterity. I didn't save them, but I did watch them.
The videos on this kids profile were as old as two weeks, and apparently he had an older account that got shut down that had the same sort of videos. Every single video was a tribute to a terrorist, serial killer, or school shooter. There were also videos of him "testing" his guns. There were about 80 of them in total, and the most recent video was from yesterday. It was a still photo of his school and half way through the photo suddenly shatters to show a reddened picture of a shooter. This video was up long before he actually did the shooting. His videos idolizing shooters and condemning humanity were up for weeks.
I am so outraged that nobody caught this. This kid was making gestures indicating what he planned for months! Someone from his area had to have seen them. What's more disgusting is that people left comments in a lot of his videos praising him for his opinions and agreeing with him! I bet they feel like shit now that they realize they contributed to this.
The world is weird.
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love me
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| The Calm Before The Storm? |
[06 Nov 2007|11:38am] |
| [ |
music |
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Angel's Punishment - Lacuna Coil |
] |
I woke up in a good mood this morning. Everything seems quiet and calm. Somehow that worries me more than anything else. I feel like this is the calm before the storm and I worry that it is that artificial sense of peace that comes with having made up ones mind. I am very worried, but I am trying not to take the calm feeling for granted. I am taking advantage of it and using it to try to get some things taken care of.
I just finished loading up my zen with music and now I'm going to go grab some breakfast and go for a walk.
On a side note, WTH is up with the French stuff? Neither Sophie or Quin actually speak French, so what the hell is up with that? Weird... Also, talking to each other in the journal is just weird. I get that you guys are still working out this whole communication thing, but that's just weird. Oh shit, now I'm doing it to. Oh well, you guys wont listen to me otherwise.
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1 heart | love me
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| Multiple Monday - Reading Room |
[05 Nov 2007|08:15pm] |
1) Does your household/system (or anyone in it) like to read?
Most of us like to read.
2) What kinds of books do people like?
JT: Fantasy, particularly the Dragon Lance series
Carrie: Romance Novels
Megan: Psych Textbooks (how geeky)
Hailey: Children's books - the giver, a wrinkle in time, etc.
Quin: Historical Fiction
The rest either don't like to read or don't have much of a preference.
Everyone that does read agrees that the Harry Potter rocked of course.
3) Does anyone like magazines or newspapers?
Carrie - girly teen magazines
Caden - shonen jump
JT - the newspaper when we get it
4) Do people read one thing at a time or many things at once?
Because we all have different tastes we sometimes have multiple books going at once.
5) What, if anything, are people reading currently?
Nothing unfortunately. None of us have been doing much reading lately. We really need to go to the book store or the library.
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love me
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| Dear Aunt, |
[31 Oct 2007|06:46pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Unspoken (acoustic) - Lacuna Coil |
] |
Tonight I had a rather bad fight with my mom that was made worse when my aunt decided to get involved. She got in my face, screamed at me very viciously and tried to intimidate me into doing what she wanted. It was very upsetting and in an effort to calm down I decided to write a letter to her. I probably will not send it. It would only make more conflict. But I needed to write it down. It's under the cut if anyone is interested.
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1 heart | love me
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| Alone |
[31 Oct 2007|03:08pm] |
I just woke up. It's 3:08pm. This is getting a bit ridiculous.
At around 10:30am I woke up in a bathtub full of cold water, freezing my ass off and with fingers and toes all wrinkled. No memory of how I got there but tired enough to realize that we had not been to bed yet. I dried off and crawled into bed.
I'm still very tired. I'm having trouble thinking coherently enough to type this.
I'm feeling very anxious.
I can't find my cellphone.
I am home alone.
Everyone on my contact list is set as away.
I'm all alone up front.
It's making me feel panicky.
I feel totally alone.
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2 hearts | love me
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| Insomnia Update |
[29 Oct 2007|09:19am] |
This just in:
It's 9:18 am and I still haven't gone to bed!
Yay fun!
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love me
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| Yay Insomnia! |
[29 Oct 2007|07:20am] |
| [ |
music |
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Like You - Evanescence |
] |
Woo hoo! New record for my insomnia!
It is 7:20 am and I have not gone to bed yet!
I'm not sure I'm going to.
I'm sort of tired in this dizzy hazy sort of way.
Somehow I've managed to stay awake enough to turn out multi-paragraph RP posts. They did get progressively shorter and less creative, but I was still writing!
I'm not sure what to do now. Too incoherent to RP. Don't want to sleep...
Maybe after James goes to work I'll curl up in bad with my MP3 player and catch a few hours.
Oh, I don't think anyone mentioned how we fucked out our hand, did they?
Yeah... drunken bowling is bad... bad bad bad... whole right arm is fucked up from shoulder to fingertips. Of course it's not getting better because we wont stop using it normally. I'm not about to stop typing with it.
Hey.. the sun is up. I wanna go run in the grass again.
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love me
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| Fantasy |
[27 Oct 2007|07:26pm] |
I have this recurring fantasy that is growing stronger by the day.
It is this urge to just wake up one morning, dye my hair, pack a bag, get on an airplane and never come back. I want to go to a big city, change my name, reinvent everything about myself and just start over. I want to completely recreate everything about myself. I want to lie to everyone about where I was born and what I did before moving there. It has to be a big city I run away to so that it's hard to find me and I will blend in. I've always said I want to stay on the west coast, but California is out of the question and I just don't think Seattle is big enough. It's too close. People would find me there. New York is becoming more and more attractive. I think I could get lost there. Just blend in and start over. It seems like the farthest I can possibly get from where I am now without leaving the country. I fantasize about it constantly now. I doubt it will ever happen though. I do not have the finances or the willpower to do something so drastic.
It's just a silly fantasy that I cling to when it feels like everything else is slipping away.
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2 hearts | love me
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|
[27 Oct 2007|12:23am] |
somebody please make it go away
please
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love me
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